The Chronicles of Overthinking
I can’t stop overthinking. It becomes a 24/7 circus up there, and it’s so uncontrollable.
I know I’m no different then the average human being. Things that worry me are normal things to stress about. I’ve been told that, “Stressing and worrying is okay. It means that you’re paying attention to the details in your life. But don’t let it get to the point it disturbs your peace during the day.”
My thinking isn’t necessarily the problem; it is what it transforms into. Also, how frequently it happens doesn’t help.
I’m barely present. The circus up there is so distracting. It robs me from my day.
So, you could say at this point, it’s affecting my life.
The first way to fix my dilemma is to come up front with it.
What goes on in my head?
Do you ever just worry all day? About situations that may not be possible of happening? Does witnessing other people’s situation question your life?
Asking questions is how I survive. But at the same time, could end me.
It starts off by just being curious — a strong interest in general philosophy, sociology, and life. I find others’ perspectives and lifestyles fascinating. I wonder what its like to be in people’s psych, feelings, and shoes.
Are people happy? Do people truly enjoy their jobs? Are people on their death beds afraid of dying before they go? Does time terrify other people? My head is filled with curious questions to the point it consumes me.
But, the curiosity transforms from innocent interests to answers I need. I depend on them to guide me with me own life. So when retaining people’s views and situations, my mind freaks out with hypotheticals. “what if, what if, this happens to you Tiff? What if it’s not possible for you to be happy? What if you’re never able to enjoy your job? What if you’re afraid of dying right before you go?”
Boom, now I’m paranoid.
“Only the paranoid survive.” — Andrew Grove
A motto that has been a big part of my life, before I even knew it was one. The statement preached to me the first time I seen it. Grove refers it to surviving in business: freaking out over every possible bad situation that could happen in his business.
I connect it to surviving in life. My fears make me afraid to live; but in a twisted way I feel like if I‘m not afraid, something bad will happen.
Time truly terrifies me. The sun setting just makes me sad and distress. The day feeling like it is already over, just like that. How fast so many hours could speed through, like its pointless.
People surrounding me, “Booyyy does time go by — years could go by in a blink of an eye” makes me panic. I’m terrified of feeling like Adam Sandler in Click. Of course he had a time remote. But the movie represents the concept of how fast time could feel.
Also, constantly doing the math of my parent’s age, every time I daydream about anything in the future.
I just don’t want to wake up and I’m 70 and I felt like nothing happened and everything has already vanished from me.
Thinking about time drags me to think about death.
Everyday, I ponder about death. Thinking about millions of ways my loved ones could be taken away from me. What I would do. How I would feel. It drives me crazy daily. On top of it, I hate that we don’t know where we go when we die. I’m terrified of the process and I’m afraid that I will have the same fear right before I go.
I picture being on my death bed afraid to leave and confused with what happened with my life.
Because of my fears, I’m so in-tuned with my memories. Not in a way that is natural. It is pretty robotic.
Each moment of the day is studied and analyzed, so it’s accurately memorized. How it works is that I cram all the moments in my brain right after they happened. For example, I force all my morning memories in the afternoon, then review bits of the afternoon at night, and so on.
They must go in a certain order, so it’ll be easier for me to remember. I basically have a mnemonic device on how to grasp bits of my life.
I’m terrified of moments disappearing and not knowing what I did. I don’t want to be confused by actions I made, feelings I felt, or views I had. It truly stresses me out.
This is my thought process in each moment. So instead of trying to enjoy what’s currently happening, I’m forcing it all in my hippocampus.
My memories glitch up there.
The last element to thank for my overthinking.
This piece is a great example. I worry writing this because you may not find it appealing. Honestly, I would rather put a bare naked photo up than my words. It is the most vulnerable piece of me.
My thought process is this: “The words are too simple. This shit sucks. No, that sentence is stupid. Wow, this is flat out boring. Whatever, I’ll just start over.”
All I could think about is college. Every professor telling me, “This is literally not gradable. Rewrite this.” One time, 5 professors told me that in one week.
So maybe I slightly have writing ptsd?
I end up with unfinished personal and creative writing pieces. I have a folder filled with pieces I feel aren’t engaging enough to share.
What About You?
I think the thin line between “thinking,” and “overthinking,” is the extent the brain goes. Things I think about are no doubt relevant and natural to think about. I wouldn’t be in-tuned with reality if I didn’t think about them. But, it begins to be taken way too far.
What about you? Are there specific things that trigger you into overthinking?